Everyone else...

...knows what they are doing with their life and never second-guesses their decisions. I know I'm the only one. Everyone else is thinner and richer and more together than I am. Everyone else has their love life in order and has better hair. I'm sure of it. Everyone else lets their kids have perfect lives and doesn't drag them across the world for selfish reasons.

This is a really nonlinear thing but I've decided I'm not a really linear person, so I'll going to write as if I don't need the money. :) Sometimes you might get an idea of what we have done, sometimes not.

I hope the kids don't read this yet. I need this space for my doubts and fears. My unedited doubts and fears. It's so hard for me, emotionally, teaching them that it's possible to hold conflicting emotions in your heart at the same time - you can miss home and daddy AND be excited about new things at the same time.

Sometimes this feels like the hardest thing I've done yet in my life. And I worry that I've make the wrong choice. If I was a crying person, I would cry today. But I didn't. Apparently I only cry at movies. And I'm listening to Cheryl Wheeler sing Almost over and over again. Not sure why.

Ananda was sick as a dog today. She puked up so much. And she was sobbing because she felt so bad. The Maya was crying because she misses Kurt. And last night Zoe sobbed for an hour because she misses everything.

And let's not the mention the 'who gets their own war' battle of 2009. Oh my god. Zoe finally got that one. Jesus, it's so hard to balance the emotional and physical and psychic needs of four people. You can't just take on person's needs into account. I'd thought that Ananda would need it the most but I swear Zoe was having a nervous breakdown. So now Maya and Ananda are sharing the biggest room with the en suite bathroom. Ananda has the larger, brighter side wiith a double bed and a pull out couch, which really is nice and Maya has the cozy nook. We're going to put in a loft bed and a curtain and a bean bag or two. I think it will be nice. Zoe has the smallest room that shares a sliding wall with the living room. She'll get a loft bed, too. She can have her pink and black bedroom.

This week has been hard on all of them. Zoe's burden is that she isn't used to being forced to be in company for so long. Even the company of her sisters. She's had no alone time. Neither have I and it's making us both crazy. I feel so bad when I lose my temper with them. I know how hard it is. But the crying every night over missing Kurt...sigh.

I was two seconds away from sending Nan home. If it weren't that deep in my heart I believe this is a good thing for her, I would do it. It's when I waver and worry that maybe I am making a huge mistake, that I want to send them all home.

Because, truthfully, this would be so much easier for me if I were alone. I would have been out at the ballroom dancing class with Ann instead of holding puke bowls and getting crying kid snot all over me. But I love them and want them to experience life. If I don't push then, who will? Okay, it's one am. I might be able to sleep.